Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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