I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
