my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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