Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
third nipple confirmed
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
