: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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