I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
high people should be assigned attendants
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
