The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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