Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
