It's like God shit irony all over that family
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
