With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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