Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
time to smoke my breakfast
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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