i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
