i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
