Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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