and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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