Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
