Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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