Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
