I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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