no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
