her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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