he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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