He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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