Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
