Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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