she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
