so that wasnt chicken after all
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
