So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
