I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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