i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
