Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
