we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
