He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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