you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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