After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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