$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
