take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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