the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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