who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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