wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
