but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
