I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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