Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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