she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
