Just fell off a train. Bad.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
