So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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