you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
