i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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