The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
