there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
