she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
