Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
