when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
