Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
