Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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